Always look on the Bright side of life,

Well Monty Python said it best,

Never give up but do it in jest.

We have the weather to thank for being so funny,

The British weather is far from being sunny,

We stay inside in the gloom; we stay in the pub,

We compose our prose and drink till we get gubbed,

The UK is so small, but we are masters of words,

The rest of the world, their no better than turds,

They cannot compete with our wit and our humour,

At best no better than a cancerous tumour,

Monty Python, Red Dwarf and Benny hill,

Absolutely fabulous, Faulty Towers were such a thrill,

Only Fool’s and Horses, Blackadder and more,

British comedy was never a chore,

We have developed a unique sense of humour,

So much darker and with so much rumour,

Innuendo and subtlety are just a few of the tools,

Which makes the Americans look like fools,

Their pie in the face tactics could never compare,

To the masters of linguistics that have so much flair,

The Americans on the other hand have dumbed down our world,

By removing letters of words because they are just not compelled,

We live in dangerous times but there is nothing we can do,

But we can turn to the arts and media to get us through,

The tragedy of the now, is the humour of the future,

To think of Trump as no more than a moocher,

But how will history remember this man?

Well I think a new sitcom is the only way we can,

To bring this man back to reality, let people question his sanity,

But wait we don’t have to because the real is now the fantasy,

The lines have been blurred between fact and fiction,

So what we really need to do is to get The Donald to practice his diction.

When times are difficult or the danger is real,

We turn to humour to make us feel,

To give us comfort and to give us some hope,

To keep us from danger and the hangman’s rope,

Yes we could live in fear of what might happen,

But I think let’s just turn on the TV and laugh the madman.

So always look on the Brightside of life,

Whistle on a Tuesday without a care,

Walk down the street with swagger and flair,

Laugh when someone walks into a pole,

Laugh when someone falls down a hole,

Watch the old man slip on a peel,

See his face connect with his heel,

What we really want is to see so much more

So quell that sympathy gene and laugh and roar,

Don’t be so shocked and live in the moment,

Or maybe you think there should be some atonement,

But either way, always look on the Brightside of life.

It’s a difficult thing to do and it’s a stressful thing to do. Trying to find accommodation is not something I enjoy. My home stay has come to an end and it has been a good experience, but as I mentioned before I need to move. So I have been trying to find a place myself as it’s only for 6 weeks. I did not want to get into another, “teach English for free bed and Board” My friend Rita has an apartment she has recently bought but it’s not “decorated” yet. In China when you buy an apartment it is usually just a shell and you fit each one out yourself. So when I visited Rita’s apartment last week it only had a toilet and a few windows in the house. It was still a building site with no expected finishing date and so as much as I had the option to move in I reneged.

So I used AIRBNB to look for a place. I have visited a few of them because you can never trust the pictures. Too many pictures of flowers and paintings which means that the actual house is no doubt shit. Last night I went to the other side of town to see my new digs. It’s a young Chinese couple, no kids which its good. It is a little more expensive but there is an en-suite and so I thought I would prefer that than share a bathroom. I’m paying $600 a month which is quite a lot and it makes a big dent in the hip pocket, but none the less I do not have many options, well I have but I decided to take this one.

I’m not looking forward to actual physical move because I have no car so it will be a taxi coupled with maybe a trip on the metro. SO it will be a big day and as usual, you begin to collect shit the longer you stay in one place. One more book, one more pair of shoes. I bought another suitcase to put most of my winter clothes in. I haven’t worked out where I will leave some of my things when I leave China in a few weeks as I do intend coming back next year if they let me back in.

Yesterday I also booked my flights for Shangri-la, I’ll be going there for a visit before I leave China. So yesterday was an expensive day, the credit card got quite a workout.

People write about Suzhou all the time,

But never seem to do it in rhyme,

So I thought what the hell I’ll give it a go,

And so here we are I’ll be done in a mo.

There are gardens a plenty for all to see,

The Master of Nets, The Lingering Garden and the Couple’s Retreat To name but three,

We have Tiger Hill and JInji Hu,

But you might still discover something new.

It has character and history,

It has longevity and mystery,

It has beauty and culture,

It has canals and boats,

Around the old city there is a wonderful moat,

The food is tasty but a little too sweet,

So I will add some chilly and eat some meat.

I like to walk the old streets and the lanes of the past,

I like it here because the pace of life is not fast,

There are over 6 million people, but you would not know it,

So let’s keep it to ourselves we don’t want to blow it.

At night the city is reborn in the light,

New life has been given and it’s a wondrous sight,

The colours abound and the buildings look new,

The canals are exquisite, many colours and hue,

So to one and all this is Suzhou for me,

Oh and don’t forget to come here and drink the tea,

The tea is expensive, the tea is divine,

And always remember if you have the time,

To come to Suzhou to look and explore,

‘Cause everyday you will find more and more.

When you finally decide what to do then you can move ahead and this is how I feel now. On my next visa run I will go for a wander for a few months because I think I need a break from China and seek pastures new. But before I go I need to organise a few things. One of the more enjoyable things to plan is a trip to Tiger Leaping Gorge in Yunnan Province. I’m hoping to go here just before I leave China. The highest point in the gorge is just under 4000m and the hike is around 20km or so. The gorge is near the mythical Shangri-la and I hope to stay here for a few days before the hike.

The next thing I need to do is to organise new accommodation for the next two months. My stint here was for only 6 months and the terms of the deal were that I taught English to George and in return I got accommodation, well George and I don’t really get on that well and so as a result I have not had to do much teaching and believe it or not I do feel a little guilty. I will try and move in the next week or so. However I will miss the accommodation I am in as I don’t think the next place or any place for that matter will be better. So it is with a bit of a heavy heart that I leave but to be honest one thing I will not miss is having to listen to the tantrums of a 14 year old with his mother or Grand mother. When he loses the plot he squeals like a pig, his voice breaks and then he whines and screams and it is funny for a short time and then it just becomes downright annoying. This is a good reminder why I have never gone down the path of having my own children. My Mother always said this “wains and dugs, a would rather have me dug any day as they are less bother” and I must concur with my Mother.

And so in the big scheme of things these are but minor distractions to deal with and the biggest decision I have to make today is what am I going to have for lunch.

Well 2 days ago the VPN on my phone stopped working which is a bit of a bastard to say the least and now it has migrated to to my computer. Over the last few weeks China has been strengthening the Great Firewall that surrounds this country and they have been blocking many more sites. I use Whatsapp to keep in touch with a few folk and now that has also stopped. It tells me that there are messages but the messages will not come through.

Now I’m not a big lover of Facebook and of course this is one of the main sites that has been targeted for years, but what I find frustrating is having to use Bing as a search engine, how sad is that. Anything to do with Google is off limits. When doing a secure transaction online it can also be problematic as it will often time out.

So for the next 2 months or so my freedom will be curtailed and then I shall be outside the Great Firewall once more and then I will be free to roam wherever I want.

Looking like statues with the occasional twitch,

Nothing distracts them not even an itch,

Vacant and drawn they go to the virtual,

Reality is here, but for them this is so habitual.

You see the Iphone zombies in any part of town,

Just sitting there not making a sound,

Engrossed in a portal stuck in a trance,

We could be anywhere, China Britain or even in France?

Illuminated faces so ghoulish and sad,

Hover in the darkness and they look quite mad,

No matter the location, no matter the time,

This addiction is all around us; this is the new mime,

We communicate through the ether with Facebook or Twitter,

But just see what happens if there is no Wi-Fi or transmitter,

Chaos ensues and the masses rebel,

What no Wi-Fi? What do you mean?

I have to post to the world; I have to show and tell.

Look at my puppies, look at my dinner,

Look at my melons do you think I’m the winner?

Give me a like, give me a share,

Go on post those pictures, see if I care.

I’m picking my nose; I’m scratching my arse,

Christ this reality is a fucking farce.

It flew into my room and gave me a such a fright,

That huge cockroach was quite a fuckin’ sight,

It landed near the tele, I was watching the BBC,

I thought that’s nice an intelligent insect and it was watching me.

I felt that I knew it from somewhere, or maybe it knew me,

Over the years I have waged war on these amazing creatures,

I’ve chased them and squashed them and drowned them in spray,

But the amazing thing is, that almost every time they pick themselves up and just walk away,

They don’t die easily and their will is strong,

And they will still be here long after the human race is gone.

They run so quick and make us feel queasy,

They can go almost anywhere and make it look so easy,

They can walk up a wall or hang upside down,

Swim across the water and will not drown,

Live for a week if they lose their head,

And they’ll run about your house when you’re tucked up in your bed.

But I think my friendly cockroach just came to say hello,

Has been in a previous life and he seemed very mellow,

He didn’t run when I saw him; In fact he swaggered away,

I wasn’t going to kill him and was happy for him to stay,

But I haven’t seen him for a few days so maybe he has moved on,

Maybe he doesn’t understand English or the subtitles are wrong,

Mind you I hope that wee beastie lives a long and happy life,

Maybe he has some children maybe he is on his way home to his wife,

But either way we should think before we kill,

Just because we think they are ugly they don’t mean us any ill will,

In fact we encourage them to be here,

 We make our homes secure,

We give them warmth and food,

So it must be understood,

That we gave them an invite and should be polite,

DO you always kill your guests when they arrive?

Do you chase them around the house making it difficult for them to survive?

I think not, so be kind to the beastie and others of its ilk,

And don’t leave food scraps in the kitchen or an open bottle of milk.

They will feed on detritus but prefer something sweet,

They will live in the sewer and feed on decaying meat,

They’ll never go hungry ‘cause they ain’t fussy about what they eat,

They are a solitary creature believe it or not,

So next time you see one just say hello,

Have a chat and a cuppa before it has to go,

Leave the Mortein and baits in the cupboard,

Maybe offer a Garibaldi or a Jamie Dodger,

But be careful he doesn’t think he’s the new lodger.

In Thailand and Cambodia they have become someone’s food,

The local folk there think they are very very good,

Along with other insects you can have a selection,

Stir fried with chilly and garlic and cooked to perfection,

So maybe soon they will come to a menu near you,

A new source of protein instead of eating coo,

They produce less waste and more cost effective,

But can we really have an insect collective?

So my friends it’s time to go,

But I need to let you know,

That I don’t encourage you to invite the wee cockroach in,

Am just sayin’ that if you see him wearing his grin,

Then show him some kindness and let him go,

Give him an exit, like open a window,

His goal in life is to survive like you and me,

He’s only looking for a place to sleep and have some safety,

He is no threat just a little scary,

But it’s mostly in your mind so don’t be hasty,

Remember leave the Mortein in the cupboard like I said before,

Open the window or open the door,

And once he’s oot breathe a sigh of relief,

See that wus so easy and no need for grief.

No mess to clean up and guilt in your mind,

Now sit down and relax on yer big fat behind.