Saturday morning was warm, humid and overcast which was better than the forecast because rain was on the agenda. I was told to meet everyone at Xinghai Square metro station which is only a short walk from my flat. Today was another junket trip to have a look at a potential tourist destination near Suzhou. It was mostly foreigners that had been invited because we are the target audience. I sat with Stu who came from Pinner just outside London, which is where my good friends Roseanne and Michael live. You won’t be able to buy much in Pinner for under half a million pounds and so I think from the way he spoke his family are very wealthy but he told me that they think that he should make his own way in the world rather than be given the wealth, which is an unusual but refreshing attitude.

We boarded a small fishing boat and headed out to the island, which at the moment I can not remember its name, but I’m sure it doesn’t really matter. On the first of September the fishing season begins at Taihu, the fisherman are only allowed to fish legally for 6 months of the year to protect the fish stocks. The lake is vast and today it looked particularly atmospheric due to the low cloud and the overcast conditions and to be honest it was perfect for going out on the boat, although the humidity was through the roof.

Our boat trip lasted about 40 min and we puttered out at a leisurely pace and the distant island soon became a reality and the two older women on board got to work with the bamboo poles to bring us safely along side the other boat that was already docked. Click Here

These old women were fit and they had very good muscle definition on their arms. of course it is very clear that I have made a faux pas when recording this video………………

They soon had us tied up and be disembarked and wandered or should I say rushed along the path, we barely got the chance to look at the old buildings and scenery as we made our way to the ultimate destination which was the BnB that we had all been brought to see. It was in the heart of the village about a 20 min walk from the dock along a very narrow path. The place was very small, although very tastefully decked out. No WiFi but they will give you 3 meals a day if you stay and all for the measly sum of 80 quid which I think is way too expensive and so did many of the other folk in the group. The 3 meals a day would consist of mostly vegetable or fish, and fish is not something that I enjoy here. I know we would have to get the boat out to the island but 80 quid is really overpriced.

This couple were quite bemused when the gaggle of foreigners strolled by, I’m sure it’s not what they expected on a Saturday morning. This is the kind of thing that I really enjoy about China, you just never know what to expect and this is real village life, not something just staged for the tourist. It’s very refreshing to see but it also brings its own awkward moments when someone in the party says to the local in English, “Is it OK to take your picture? click……… some folk here don’t even speak Mandarin never mind English.

I would have liked to have wandered around the island for a few hours to discover what else may lie beyond but unfortunately it was all too short a visit and we were soon heading back to the boat to have lunch.

A few wee fish

I did not enjoy lunch at all, it was all fish dishes apart from cucumber and pumpkin and some rather tasteless dumplings and so I was absolutely starving and you know the worst thing about these kind of trips is that they keep bringing more and more food even when we have all stopped eating, they waste so much food and they would never consider getting a doggy bag to eat the next day.

The boat trip back to the mainland was smooth and the sun even began to show its face, but just for a second. It’s been an enjoyable afternoon and just before we head home we are going to visit a 2000 year old tree in one of the local gardens.

It’s really quite spectacular and very unusual and so difficult to imagine that it is 2000 years old but it certainly looks like it has had a hard time.

She is 20 years old at the end of the month and she has covered nearly half a million kilometers and it is with great sorrow that I have decided to put her out to pasture. She has been stuck in he big shed now for about 2 years and the last time I saw her she started to complain about a few aches and pains and so I’m afraid to say I don’t know what she will be like when and if I return. 

We first met in 2004 shortly after I bought my first house on the Gold Coast and I believe it was love at first sight. One mistake I made was taking out an extended warranty with Southside Toyota, that’s where we met. Every time I took the car back there for a service they treated her like shit and I nearly had a stroke because of the way they staff there treated me. Up until then I had never come across such incompetence in a company. I remember one altercation with this big fat staff member when I went to pick up the car, he wound me up so much that if I had been in America with my Kalashnikov then he would have been wearing a few bullets that night. I used every expletive known to man and then I dismissed him and told him to get someone that could talk to me, I didn’t want to speak to the monkey anymore. They made me so angry and in hindsight they also treated me with contempt. I could talk about Southside Toyota for weeks but I won’t because it will only make my blood boil once more.

I have many fond memories and I have had many adventures with my trusty steed and I really miss driving around in her. This car has been one of the most comfortable cars I have ever owned. I have had very few problems apart from a head gasket going due to a faulty Chinese made gasket that Ford used to use, mind you we were driving through temperatures of nearly 50c  out near St George.. I replaced the air con and did the usual maintenance but I never had a bump in the car and so it’s as straight as the day I bought it. Maybe when I return and we are reunited I might spend the money to get her back on the road, I shall see what happens when that day arrives. It costs nearly $1000 a year to keep the car registered and at the moment I really just can not afford to pay for the car as the cash flow is not very good, it’s expensive to have a car in Queensland.

Last night we were sitting around the table having a chat and drinking tea when Jane shouted Biānfú 蝙蝠 which of course means Bat. Bats are seen as good luck in Chinese society and you will often see them depicted in mosaics in the gardens or on furniture, but I’m afraid this little bat set the occupants into a state of fear. 

We live on the forth floor and only one door is missing a screen to keep the critters out and this wee bat found its way in. It would have been the size of maybe a starling or similar and it was flying very quickly around the room trying to find the exit. Meanwhile Jane picked up a brush to try and do something, I asked her not to and she put it down. It was flying so quick and yet it would come up to a wall and turn on a sixpence and go the other way, it was amazing to watch and I’m afraid there is no video or pictures because we were too busy watching it.

After about 10 mins the wee bat finally found the way out and was once more free to go about its business. It was quite amazing to see this wee creature come into our home and maybe he might just bring us all a piece of luck.

As usual I go to Central Park after breakfast and I usually do a few laps of the the park to warm up the body and muscles before I do any exercise, get the old heart working a little. The park is really very large and there are always people here walking around, there are the gardeners, the cleaners, dog walkers, Tai Chi masters and some people that wear all the correct sports clothing but don’t actually do anything………..I’ll come back to that.

So this morning I am walking on the south side of the park where there is a car park and it backs onto the main path of the park separated only by a few shrubs, well did I get a surprise when I saw a big white arse in amongst the foliage this morn and he was in full squat mode and dumping the contents of last nights dinner in between the Ligustrum ovalifolium. I had no phone with me this morning and so I could catch this lunar eclipse in all its glory to share with you today. I wonder if he even realised just what kind of show he was giving to all and sundry…………….You’re never short of entertainment in China.

So let’s go back to the guy with all the right gear that struts his stuff. He will enter the park at the entrance near to where myself and the other older guys exercise in the morn, he has on a shirt with a sport’s logo, knee compression pads covering his leggings, some expensive looking Nike trainers and so he looks like he is ready for a good long workout. He does his stretching and seems to know what he is doing, gets all the good positions and spends quite a bit of time getting ready, personally I think all this stretching is generally a bit of a wank, but hey what do I know. 

So after he has done his thing it’s time to crack on and do this running malarkey and he is off and just around the first bend there is a seat in the shade where he can pull over for a quick rest and pull out his Iphone to get all the latest international news according to China. I guess all this stretching is pretty hardcore. I pass him on my travels and he inspires me to complete one lap. I complete my lap and then shortly afterwards I see him running back to our area looking rather worse for wear, he continues and then I head off again, but this time I take a different path and find our man again tucked under another tree continuing to study the Iphone. 

About 40 mins after he first arrived at the park he returns to the starting point and once more begins to “cool down” by doing all those wonderful stretches, what an inspiration this guy is. There’s hardly any sweat on this guy, I wonder what he tells his wife or friends when he returns home because they must think he is so good to stay so cool after such a long time in the park.

The sun was out but it was a little cooler and so I decided to go for a wee walk in one of the local mountain ranges. It’s not very tall but it’s still a bit of a challenge as it’s close to midday.

I’ll have to come back here during the week one day because there were too many people walking around to really enjoy it. It’s about one hour on the bus but it’s easy to get to

So last night I thought I’d tell “Starman” that he was making the rice in the incorrect way by putting boiling water into the rice cooker, he quickly replied “you know nothing about Chinese cooking” and so I was shut down quick smart, however at the end of the day I know I’m right.

Ah the youth of today, I mean how could I know anything about China and its cooking, I’m a foreigner afterall. Tanks for the memories, I wonder if he knows about his countries use of battlefield equipment to quell a demonstration?

I’m not sure where the time has gone for the last week but I know it’s been bloody hot. Today however the temp has fallen a little and the there is a breeze and so it’s a little more comfortable. The cicadas and the birds are keeping me company this morning; it’s very quiet today although I can hear the occasional bit of traffic noise.

The two house guests have left for the day, the young boy “Star” is a bit of a nuisance but mostly harmless, although he is certainly lacking commonsense. One thing he does which drives me nuts and it shouldn’t really, is the boiling of the kettle. If you don’t switch the kettle off manually it will just sit there and bubble for about a minute or more and so I have told him before just to switch it off because it will work sometimes and on another occasion it will just sit. Yesterday I could hear the kettle sitting there trying to get to 100c but was only at 99c and so the poor thing was struggling and burbling away, I came through and switched it off. Meanwhile he is just standing there staring at it and waiting for it to climax……..he says to me “don’t worry it’s ok” I said “what do you mean don’t worry?”  He says “It’s no problem it always does this but it will eventually switch off” Me “ I’m not fucking worried I’m concerned about the amount of electricity you waste each time you sit and watch the kettle struggling to climax” Yes I am Scottish

What a dickhead………..after the kettle has boiled he then uses it to make rice in the rice cooker, you don’t need to put fucking hot water into the rice cooker to allow it to make rice, if anything it upsets the process to make good rice and you know each time he makes rice he must waste about 10% to 15% because it’s always stuck to the arse of the pan……….no commonsense.

When I came home last night he was sitting as usual watching his computer, but it’s not a movie or TV he watches but computer games……and he is not the only one I’ve witnessed doing this. I cannot understand why you would want to watch others play computer games for hours and hours, surely there must be more to life, I think watching the kettle boil is more exciting……….maybe that’s why he does it.

Jane is the other guest; she is also Chinese but has lived in America for a few years and is back here for business, I like her, she is quite a character. She speaks in a very deadpan way and when she first arrived I wasn’t too sure of what to make of her. She has tattoos on her neck which seem to be just coloured squares, I have no idea what they are but I will have to ask her before she leaves.

She will talk about anything and everything and often compares her life in America to here. She lives in the country and so she is finding it difficult to be back in this city. She drinks beer and stays out late, such a contrast to the innocent and naive Star man.

So today I have a bit of work to prepare and a few things to write and as long as the breeze continues to blow then I won’t have to use the air-conditioning which I hate.

The subway was busy today and I was lucky to get a seat. I was in the middle of the row but I always try to get an end seat if I can.

So after a few stations there is one seat to my left which must happens to be the end seat but I’m not quick enough and the young girl sits down and her boyfriend stands at her side. They are both on their phones and not communicating and so when a seat becomes available on my right the young guy asks me to move so that he could sit next to his girlfriend that he is not talking to anyway. Guess what my answer was…. Yes that’s right, no sorry I’m staying put. I had 3 stations to go and me and my sweaty arse were quite fine where we were. The look on his face was priceless. Ach well this will give them something to talk about later.

So now I have one either side of me and they are messaging each other about me using Wechat, ah it was really funny and cheered me up no end, mind you I wasn’t feeling upset before but it gave me a snigger.

What a surprise when I saw these today, last time I came across these I was in Roslyn Chapel.

Haggis the chieftain oh the puddin’ race.
Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o’ the pudding-race!
Aboon them a’ yet tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o’a grace
As lang’s my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin was help to mend a mill
In time o’need,
While thro’ your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An’ cut you up wi’ ready sleight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like ony ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin’, rich!

Then, horn for horn, they stretch an’ strive:
Deil tak the hindmost! on they drive,
Till a’ their weel-swall’d kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
Bethankit! hums.

Is there that owre his French ragout
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad make her spew
Wi’ perfect sconner,
Looks down wi’ sneering, scornfu’ view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckles as wither’d rash,
His spindle shank, a guid whip-lash;
His nieve a nit;
Thro’ blody flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread.
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He’ll mak it whissle;
An’ legs an’ arms, an’ hands will sned,
Like taps o’ trissle.

Ye Pow’rs, wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o’ fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu’ prayer
Gie her a haggis

So finally the “Smelly shoe” guy has left and I can breathe a sigh of relief, but he has been replaced by another young guy who I may say is civilised but he is also rather annoying. Mind you anyone that comes here at the moment is annoying because they are upsetting my peaceful lifestyle.

He is here for a month, he works in IT at the local bank. For the first few days he used my toothpaste, I mean how fucking invasive and rude is that? Because the house had a few guests I let him use the second bathroom which is only for myself and Sissi, but she is on holiday and is not here. So because the house had a few guests I said “sure you can use it but don’t make a fucking mess”.

Many Chinese people will take a shower wearing plastic shoes and then for some reason come out the shower and trail the water all through the place, I just don’t understand this at all, but even the most civilised of Chinese people will do this. I on the other hand like to come out the shower and stand on the mat or towel and dry my feet, and I’m sure many of you are familiar with this process and so I made it abundantly clear that this is the process and do not make a mess. The first day I go in for a shower there are two dirty shoe prints on the towel, what the fuck!!!!! Can you really be that stupid?

The second habit of many Chinese is even more disgusting and that is putting the toilet paper into a bin rather than flush it down the toilet with the rest of the waste. Now I know why this is done……….many old houses just did not have the correct size of pipes to allow all the waste to go down and so they would not flush the paper………..this is a modern house. Now  “Smelly shoe” guy did this but I didn’t care because it was in the other bathroom and not my problem. I removed the bin from my bathroom to make sure that no one would be tempted to do this if I was not around. You know the Chinese are very clever but some habits just baffle me.

So the new guy is called “Star”, he seems to be comfortable with it but it reminds me of someone that gets a tattoo which they think means wonderful warrior and it really says couch potato. he wants to practice is English for free and I’m not in the mood to be so sociable all the time. I’m watching TV or reading a book and he wants to chat and as many of you know I’m just a miserable bastard sometimes and I have no inclination to be sociable.

Short of saying “Fuck off” my Paddington Bear stare seems to be working OK.

I have classes in the evening and Suzhou is a bit hot at the moment and so you need to use the air conditioning but when I got back the other night I felt that I was walking into a fridge. I looked at the aircon and it was set to 16C, I said “What the fuck!!” and proceeded to up it to 26C,………………….how fuckin stupid are some folk. I’m not paying for it and so I will crank it up and to make matters worse the large expanse of windows that we have in this apartment has curtains but they were not closed and so I’m sure most of the heat just came through the glass and contributed to global warming.

After a brief lesson and a run down of the house rules I left them to their devices and pissed off to my room because yet again another annoying habit was being played out, playing a computer game and not having headphones in and so we can all experience the wonders of battle.

Actually the other day in the bus I told the guy behind me to turn his music down, I just used my native tongue, no need for trying to be a smart arse and using Chinese, he got the message and turned down the volume. Again I say ” why do they think that this is acceptable?” I’m sure it was annoying other folk in the bus too. Some days this country drives me fuckin nuts…………………..