It takes about 10 minutes to drive to work in the morning and even in that short distance a lot can happen and there are strange things afoot. As you drive along Jacaranda Street, you pass Ipswich East State School and of course we must slow down to 40 kph.

In the middle of the school zone there is a pedestrian crossing patrolled by a “Lollipop Lady”. The one that is here most mornings is a bit weird but she really enjoys her work because you can tell by the fearless way she will jump out in front of traffic with her back completely straight, looking as if she would be better suited to a military parade ground. With the stop sign held aloft on a 45° in front of her, she will boldly walk out to the middle of the crossing with little regard for traffic. In fact, I get the impression that this is the main reason for doing this job.

There is a small tree in a garden near the crossing. She will hide in the shade of this tree and so when you drive along you will not really notice her until she begins her lunge to get to the crossing before you do. I personally feel she is a bit of a fucking lunatic and should not be anywhere near children and more so being in charge of their safety.

I have only one right hand turn to make at a set of lights. If the right hand turn is controlled by a filter arrow, then it is not a problem but when the poor Australian driver has to do this manoeuvre themselves, it turns out that most really don’t know how to do it and I get very frustrated if I am stuck behind them. The right hand turn that I have to make has to be done at your own peril, no filter arrow here.

When the lights change to green they will not move to the middle of the junction if there is oncoming traffic, they just sit still behind the line. I learned to drive in the UK where we were taught properly. We were told to move to the middle of the junction and wait until it was clear to turn. If you were still sat there when the lights changed to red you were still able to get one or two cars through the junction. In Australia however, most drivers sit behind the line and will not move to the middle of the junction, which means if there is no gap in the traffic then no one gets through the lights. And this can go on for more than one change of the lights if it’s a busy junction which makes one rather pissed off.

Turning right, merging into traffic, especially on the motorway. Leaving a motorway they will usually slow down while on the motorway rather than slow down on the exit ramp. They love to indicate and will do so for any deviation, even going around a bend in the road. They love indicating so much that will do it at every opportunity and most of it makes no sense. You can never trust Australian drivers’ indicating signals. For them it is like breathing, no thought is used it is completely instinctive and completely stupid.

Bends really fuck with Australians…….they’re great in a straight line with their big powerful V8’s and four wheel drives but don’t ask them to go around a corner without dropping 10 to 15 kph.

If they wish to run right, they will indicate right but not necessarily for the road that they wish to turn in to. Sometimes they will pass two previous roads before the actual turn. Indicating just means that at some point in time they will go in that direction, but not always just to confuse things.

Oh another thing. Many people here lean in when they go round corners and they might only being doing 40 kph, no G forces here to fight. Driver stupidity seems to be increasing year on year.

Cars on the other hand are becoming “Smarter”. I therefore have come to the conclusion, that on the day when everyone is running about in autonomous vehicles, many will just become vegetables. The rot has already begun…………….

One more thing I managed to put a cube of mulch on the garden at the weekend and it’s looking rather good, although I’ll need to buy some more soon……………..